A post I jumped on with the batman theme. I always thought a spinoff cop show about Gotham City Police Department would be cool especially with all the corruption and shit they would have to deal with so being able to write a joke version of that was fun for me.
WHAT KIND OF GRANDMA RUNS A PROSTITUTION RING?
Graham Bart. Cop at Gotham City Police Department.
When I was 18 I was on the streets coming back from soccer practice when I got attacked by a mugger. I was pretty sure I was done for until Mr. Big and Bad himself came out of nowhere and saved me.
Oh! You must be wondering who Mr. Big and Bad is right?
Well it's the god damn motherfucking Batman. Dudes amazing, like no joke.
For starters, he came out of nowhere. Literally one second I was pressed against a wall with a knife while this mugger is asking me for my wallet and car keys and next second Batman is standing next to him like five feet taller and with arms bigger than most peoples heads. I mean seriously! Who the hell is training batman? Dude looks like a tank with feet!
Within seconds Batman here grabs this dude's wrist and with one hand flips him over his head, smashes him on the ground, and breaks his arm. WITH ONE ARM! Then I ran up to see if the mugger was still breathing, he was, and out of pure amazement from what I just saw I turned around to thank batman.
"Wow you are amazing. How did you...." I began to ask before realizing that he was gone. Just like that.
Seriously how does he do that?
That was 8 years ago and it still sticks with me to this day. I mean this dude just smacks around criminals all day like it's as easy as walking down the street. Oh, is that not good enough for you? Then let's run down the list. Crazy fuckin clown phsycopath? Beats him, on a regular basis. Secret Organization running Gotham City underground with some stupid bird name? Found them, beat them, and broke them, most likely within a night. God with almost perfect invicinibility, super strength and flight just to name a few powers? Beat him senseless, and even almost killed the bitch. Rumours say he had his foot on the neck with a spear about to land the killing blow but then he stopped. Crazy stuff. And What is crazier is that I am pretty sure he doesn't have any powers. Like it doesn't seem like he has super strength or super speed but I don't know. Maybe teleportation, maybe the power to be badass, maybe he has the abilities of a bat (What abilities does a bat have), I don't know, I'm just saying I am suspicious.
But anyways I'm going off on a tangent. The main point is this dude saving me really left an impression on me and is the reason I went through the work to join the GCPD and make Gotham a better place. And after that incident when I was 18, 6 years later I was finally able to join GCPD and start on my goal to help the Bats make Gotham a better place.
Ohh boy do I regret that now.
So for two years I was on the force doing my part. Making patrols, trying to stop gangs led by Two-Face before the Batman showed up, arresting average criminals like muggers, assaulters, and what not, and even investigating crime scenes for the fucking scariest physcopaths I have ever heard of. I mean seriously there is some dude that was trying to make human dolls. Shit was terrifying. I think he was called like Proffesor Oink or something like that.
At first this was all fine and dandy, helping the streets, and hopefully making people a bit more safe. And then I made a realization.
Gotham City is SO FUCKED!
Literally it seems like everybody is a god damn criminal. Every other hour it seems like we are arresting a criminal and that does not even count all the criminals that just appear at our door with a batarang tied to them. I mean like we found this kid the other day cutting up gangsters in the streets shouting something about his father and how he was in some sort of team of assassins or some shit. I mean this kid with his little sword was just puncturing these gangsters like they were nothing and killing them left and right.
That was the tipping point. After that I realized I need to get the fuck out. Like I was still hella grateful to Batman for saving me that time but I ain't about all this crime. Like shit is just sad when we almost monthly have to expand and create new jail cells to hold all the criminals.
However that is where the biggest problem rises.
We are constantly hiring new cops because we just never have enough and so everyone is so much more lenient on rules and it makes it FUCKING IMPOSSIBLE TO GET FIRED.
I mean seriously today was the worst.
We were retrieving some child kidnappers that were apparently taken care of by batman. So me and Evan headed down to the address for a simple pick up and return and everything went by code and we threw the trash in the back and that is when I saw it.
My opportunity, my chance, the answer to my problems.
Down the street walking away from us was a grandma. I remembered her from my neighborhood. Sweet lady, has three children, and 7 grandkids, happily married, living in a much safer district. The perfect example of a sweet old woman that no one could possibly hate. So I used that. To get fired I knew I would need to overstep my boundaries and I would need a situation where the public would be yelling to get me fired to make sure that the department had no choice to either fire me or take a huge publicity shot in the foot.
So I ran. Fullspeed. Now I ain't no Flash but I am pretty well built. I don't mean to brag but I used to play football alongside Victor Stone. Remember the running back who barreled through the defensive line to make that amazing catch?
Yeah that was me.
So I am sprinting with all my energy at this frail old grandma and then I make contact. I tried to do my best to lessen the impact before I make contact cause I don't want to actually hurt this woman but I need it to look like I am out of control and we hit the ground. I immediately bust out my handcuffs and cuff her yelling "YOU ARE UNDER ARREST." As I intentially don't read her rights I throw her in the back with the actual criminals, the whole time while Evan is just flipping out on me asking why I did that and what the hell is wrong with me.
I don't listen, I literally zone out cause I did it. I will finally get booted, I can leave, get a nice peaceful job, maybe an average security guard, maybe somewhere a lot more peaceful. I hear Central City is nice around this time and last I checked Star Labs needed some security guards so that seems like a good opportunity.
So we head back to the department and book the criminals and almost immediately after we return back, Evans runs to the Chief's Office and seemingly runs him down on what I did.
After a few minutes of one-sided discussion, the chief steps out of his office and then speaks.
"Graham, in my office now!" he states plainly
I step in with my best scared expression while on the inside I feel like I'm high on joker gas.
"Graham... I'm just gonna get straight to the point. You're a loose cannon, but by god you're a good detective." he says.
YES FINALLY FUCK YE.... "wait what?" I interrupt my internal parade to ask confused.
"I don't know how you knew it, but Old Granny rags over here has been running one of the biggest prostitution rings we know of. Posing as her children and grandchildren she moves from neighborhood to neighborhood selling them off for sexual purposes. You should have informed us before you made any crazy actions like that but still, at the end of the day you caught the criminal, so its fine. Good Job son! Take the rest of the day off." he said with a smile and cheery attitude
I turned around and walked out. I walked out of the Chief's office, out of the police department and to my car in the parking garage. I opened the car and sat down and closed the door. Then for a few seconds I just sat there.
"WHAT THE FUCK? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? A FUCKING PROSTITUTION RING? FUCK, FUCK, FUCK, FUCK." I shouted at the top of my voice.
I don't know how the fuck this happened but that's it. I am done for the day, I just can't take this anymore. Tomorrow is another day, and I am going to try my best tomorrow all over again to get fired. Maybe I should sack Commissioner Gordon or take a shit on Wayne Manor, maybe that will get me fired.